Narrative drivel

- I want to play a fantasy game, but I have no imagination at all.

- No problem, we couldn't let a story emerge from gameplay and mechanics if we tried. We hired a writer for a huge storybook.

- But I am no reader.

- We'll let somebody read it to you. Don't worry, we got you covered.

- Strategy is not really for me.

- You'll only have to play the fights. You'll read - or listen, yes - to all developments in the first 30-40 minutes per session, and we'll reward you with the epilogue afterwards. We don't advertise 45+ hours for nothing.

- Counters or standees don't really do it for me.

- We're way ahead of you: minis galore.

- Hey, how can I tell which of these 3,000 are female?

- It will be easy. We'll blow up their boobs for you.

- Wait, a forest, a tree, what's a tree?

- You'll find out. We'll include these huge plastic models.

- So when I get the game three years from now, I'll first spend three months painting, right?

- Yep. Or maybe make that five.

- Then I can listen to the audiobook, right?

- Sure, you can do so at your leisure, no hurry to play.

- Then when I play it will be easy-going right?

- Yes, you won't have to worry about any brain burning with us.

- And when I have finished, say five years from now, I won't have to go through it again, will I?

- No, that's a promise. We don't offer replayability, as you'll have 50 other games piled up by then. We value your time, we won't waste it.

- This is the golden age of board games. I am going all-in.

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Today I saved hundreds of dollars. Now all I need is some cheap second-hand RPG paperback.